Stream-of-Consciousness...What Does Being a Man Mean?

1500 Words, I tried to cut down, but I got too passionate!
As with most people that constitute the "majority" of a given characteristic, I don't really ever think about the fact that I am a man. I put majority in quotations because I am not even sure whether or not there are more men than women in the world, but because society is dominated by males it is natural for men to think that they are the majority, and for lack of better wording, normal. I suppose a better word than normal is desired, because when one looks to the job market, the television, even the White House, our entire society is dominated by men. Specifically straight, white, cisgender men. Because of the opportunities that are available to me since I am male (or rather, the opportunities that are not taken away from me because I am a female), it is extremely easy to forget that I am a male. I took a class last semester called Introduction to Individual & Cultural Diversity in the Classroom, where we discussed any and all differences that can exist among children's lives that affect their opportunities and education: gender, sexuality, religion, socio-economic background, ethnicity, disabilities, and more. One of the stories that affected my way of thinking was when we had a woman in the class state that when she walked alone late at night, her mother had taught her to always hold her keys in-between her fingers, so that if a male attacker was to approach her, she was already armed and ready to defend herself. After I then told the class that there were many times where I walked home late at night when I lived on campus while wearing headphones in both ears, she was shocked. Several other women in the class stated that they had to always be aware of their surroundings, and that they, too had self-defense techniques ready when they walked home at night. It was at this moment that I realized that their gender was much more prominent to them than my gender was to me. As discussed in class, maybe this is because there are so many facets of life where they are constantly reminded they are female through the lack of representation that they see on television or in movies. Especially now, because I have a 10 month old little sister, I am trying to open my eyes more and more into the ways that society does not equally treat men and women. I feel that I am more "woke" than the average male regarding issues surrounding feminism, how women are payed less than their male counterparts for the same position, and are often looked at as the more submissive of the two in a marriage. I also find myself chuckling to myself at the sheer stupidity that presents itself when a man says that they aren't a feminist, because he believes that feminism means that women are better than men. Ignorance is a difficult topic to navigate in conversation...how do you politely tell a man that you believe he is the epitome of ignorance because he has closed himself off to any opinion other than the one's that his frat brothers are telling him? Of course, this is not always the case but there are several instances where an Alpha Male just cannot listen to an opinion other than his own, once again probably because society has reinforced his view that men are more "deserving" of women in so many facets of life that they should receive more pay, better opportunities, and less discrimination. This ties into the whole "Boys Will Be Boys" bullshit that is actual garbage. How about "Boys Will Be Held Accountable For Their Actions?" That sounds much better. I digress...nonetheless, being a male is something that I am only really aware of when I think about just how much the patriarchy exists, and that if I was a woman, my life would be completely different. For most women, they wear their womanhood proudly on their sleeve, as they should, and are actively fighting against the discrepancies that exist in today's world.
I don't consider being male anywhere near the forefront of my personality, and I think this may be because the frontrunner for my personality has had some clashing with the idea of typical manliness. While I in no way should, I sometimes am proud of myself when people don't know that I am gay instantly. Through the Culture & Diversity class, I discovered that I have a bit of internalized homophobia, in which I can be slightly homophobic to gay men that I meet for dressing a certain way, dying their hair, having numerous piercings or tattoos, and am actively working on that. The following statement is the truth: Most people who met me have agreed that they didn't know I was gay until they had a conversation with me. Some people say they know instantly, and others don't know until weeks into our friendship/relationship when I mention it, but most say that they know after a conversation with me. Perhaps it's because I subconsciously am aware of how there are some people who are unintentionally homophobic, and I do my best to not appear gay so that no opportunities will be stripped away from me. And, at times I catch myself trying to act "more straight" through my mannerisms or the lingo I use to try and communicate with a straight guy. When I'm asked if I'm gay, I always say yes. But, not every straight male I interact with has to know if I'm just casually interacting with them. So, unless necessary I try not to make a point of it.
Since I was raised by my father primarily after the divorce, my friends and I have speculated that this could be why I do not possess several more of the gay stereotypes than I already do now. It's interesting really, to think about how my father raising me could have affected my sexuality rather than my mother. My father always held me to a degree of manliness that I can still feel in myself today. Mowing the lawn, shoveling the snow, showing me how to take care of my car. He made sure to show man the things that a man does, and if he ever found out that I let my step-mother shovel the snow, I would surely be in hot water. Ladies don't shovel snow. Men do. He taught me a lot about being a man, the kinds of characteristics I should have, the way I should treat people, and I'm glad that he was able to do all of that with me. At the same time, it hurts a little that I can't talk about boys with him, or that once he told me he didn't want me to bring home any guy who was "too gay". I forgive him for his slight homophobia, because society has pushed these views upon us, and so late into life it can be hard to make ground on these issues. He supports me, he loves me, and he'll do anything for me. In the end, if I bring home a guy who is "too gay" for my father, well, he'll just have to get over it. That will be his problem, and not mine. Being a gay man is hard because the straight men sometimes feel that I am on a different planet than them, and at times I see the ways that straight men interact with each other (for example, a football locker room or on the field) and am subsequently disgusted. I don't resonate with these people. These men who talk about women as if they're objects, and only care about smoking weed and drinking, they are not my people. The difference in culture is quite astonishing. I see most of my gay friends and we greet each other with a hug (even the straight ones!), and we are never afraid to talk about our feelings or how our day is going, or even just break down crying to one another about our boy troubles. So...yes, I am a man. But there are so few things I associate with being a man, that it resides in the back of my mind until stories from my female friends surface about how uncomfortable they have felt while with a man alone in a private setting, or I see women sharing their stories of sexual abuse with one another. I do not identify with those disgusting men who cannot control themselves. Most times I barely identify as a man at all. Quite honestly, the only thing that reminds me of it on the daily is that I'm gay. If I didn't have a gender, I would just say that I like guys. But because I like guys and I am a guy, I'm gay. Being gay is the only reminder that I am a man.