“The stars are really having an effect on us tonight, aren’t they?”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, for starters this is the first real conversation we’ve had in months.”
“I’m really not following you here…”
“I’ve learned more about you in these past two hours than I feel I have in two months of being with you.”
“How so?”
“Whenever we’re together, it feels like there’s something, that’s…well, interfering.”
“Interfering?”
“Yeah, sort of as if… there’s a wall between us.”
“You think there’s a wall between us?
“I’m not saying there’s a literal wall between us, Jake but I---"
“I know you’re not saying that. But, you think something is wrong?”
“Not necessarily wrong, but…absent.”
“You’re saying I’m absent in our relationship?”
“Jake, no! Will you please just stop talking and listen before you jump to conclusions with the trampoline we’re currently laying on?”
“Fine.”
“Thank you. These past two months have been great. I like spending time with you. I like spending time with you and your friends, and cheering you on at your games, and going to all of the after parties with you.”
“I would hope you do. I love showing you off to the guys.”
“But I feel that we’ve been spending so much of our time looking out rather than in.”
“Okay, not to sound dumb, but I have no clue what that means.”
“We go places together, people look at us and see your arm around me, there’s no doubt in their mind that we’re a couple.”
“Yeah we are. We’re a couple. So, what’s the problem?”
“The problem is that until 15 minutes ago, I didn’t know that your favorite color was sapphire. I didn’t know that although you’re going to college for basketball that you prefer tennis. And, I didn’t certainly didn’t know that your favorite holiday was Christmas because you love watching your little sister’s face light up when she opens up the very gift that you told her was ‘too expensive’ and then got her anyway.”
“I do love watching her face every Christmas, she practically screams at the top of her lungs!”
“You’re missing the point.”
“Maybe. I don’t see why you’re upset over that though.”
“I’m upset because…we haven’t made any progress here. Before we talked, you were Jake, the star basketball player who never even glanced in my direction.”
“Not while you were looking, that is.”
“What?”
“Nothing, go on.”
“And now, until two hours ago, you were still that same Jake.”
“So…you’re saying a blanket, a trampoline, and the stars make a great trio.”
“No. Well, yes. I’m saying that this Jake right now is the boy who caught my attention. This Jake is the boy who I want to get to know, not the Jake who shows me off to all of his friends.”
…
“Okay.”
“I’m sorry I brought it up.”
“No, really. I get it.”
“I just don’t want this night to end.”
“Neither do I.”
“I’m glad I know your favorite color now.”
“Me too. What’s yours?”
“Ruby.”
Dear Nic,
ReplyDeleteYes, you've found a moment of tension where you have one character who wants a deeper connection and another character who is fighting to keep things on the surface. There's a rule about how good dialogue is basically people saying "no" to one another over and over again. You've got that pattern here with Jake refusing to acknowledge what's happening at first. I like too this outburst: "...until 15 minutes ago, I didn’t know that your favorite color was sapphire. I didn’t know that although you’re going to college for basketball that you prefer tennis. And, I didn’t certainly didn’t know that your favorite holiday was Christmas because you love watching your little sister’s face light up when she opens up the very gift that you told her was ‘too expensive’ and then got her anyway.” I wonder too if there are ways you could give us details that would be surprising and revealing beyond favorite colors or games? But the idea behind this outburst is good; it reveals that she feels a disconnect with Jake. If you had to play this out for another three minutes, where might you go? Is it possible that she could discover a secret or a story that would reveal even more about him than he was willing to share? How might that play out?