Obsession

Everyone has an obsession. Some are very tangible things such as baseball cards, or a television show like The Bachelor, or a person such as their significant other. My obsession, I’d say is rather unfamiliar. It’s an obsession that has been the cause of numerous difficult conversations, therapy sessions, and ruined relationships. I am obsessed with improving myself. 

It’s actually quite strange, my ego’s fluctuation between grandeur and mediocrity. I have always been aware of my flaws, but for some reason my ego still remains as high and mighty throughout most days. After returning to therapy this past summer in an effort to declutter my mind and reinstate some self-love into my life, I realized that a substantial part of why I have been unhappy recently is because of the way I treat others and myself. As truly corny as it does sound, my goal in life is to be happy. I’m so grateful that I am not motivated by money or power, but by passion in helping me to choose a career path. Since I have journaled for about three years now, I have found dozens of quotes that have made their impact on me. One revolves around being a teacher and says, “People often dream of changing the world, but don’t realize the effect that changing one person can have. Changing one single person is changing the world, for inside of every person there is an entire world.” And in order to change people and have the most beneficial impact on them, I need to constantly be changing myself and my world. I have somehow become passive in dealing with the flaws I have. I understand that they are there, and at times I am grotesquely disturbed by some thoughts I have, some ways I handle situations, and some things I say out loud. I try my best to remember quotes that really resonate with me at times of difficulty, but I feel that I am too undisciplined to truly stick to the almost daily new mindset that I am trying to apply to my life. Here are some that I’ve come up with most recently:

1)    In an effort to make myself get out of tired, unmotivated rut I’ve been in academically,“Other people have to wake up and go to a job. You get to wake up and sing every day! How lucky!”

2)    In an effort to make myself wake up early, succeed, and seize control of every second I have alive, because I am ghastly afraid of death, “You’re dying every second. Get up and make your life worth something.”

3)    In an effort to get myself to understand that I shouldn’t be so judgmental of others, “Just as others don’t know what you’re going through, you have no idea what others are going through.”

4)    In an effort to be continually improve upon myself, “Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.” –George Bernard Shaw

You see, my therapist told me to bring in a list of flaws with me for the following session. Only 30 minutes beforehand, I was able to come up with 37 flaws about myself. I hope maybe one day I will be satisfied with the person I am, though I don’t know if I ever will be. While this may seem terribly troubling that I could never be satisfied, it doesn’t mean that I won’t be happy with myself. Another quote decides to weigh in by saying, “It’s about progress, not perfection.” And that’s exactly what I believe.

Podcast Project

https://youtu.be/asmkrJGMnrs

Podcast Rough Draft

INT. DINER. Tense silence between ABIGAIL and DAD.

ABIGAIL

I’m so sorry.

(silence)

Dad. Please say something.

(silence, continued eating, snippets of conversation and bussing tables.)

JOHN

Make an appointment.

ABIGAIL

Will you come with me?

JOHN

(still cold)

Well, of course. I have to see that this goes through.

ABIGAIL

Thank you.

JOHN

Don’t thank me.

WAITRESS enters.

WAITRESS

Y’all finished over here?

ABIGAIL

Yes, thank you. We’ll just take the check please.

JOHN

(insistent)

How about some dessert?

ABIGAIL

Okay… yeah, sure.

JOHN

We’ll have a slice of carrot cake.

WAITRESS

(skeptical)

I’ll get that right out for ya.

ABIGAIL

(more relaxed, but still timid)

So... do you have any ideas?

JOHN

About what?

ABIGAIL

(hopeful)

A name.

JOHN

A name?

ABIGAIL

I know it’s early, but -

JOHN

(cutting her off)

Why would we name it?

ABIGAIL

(timid again)

Oh... I guess we can wait a couple months.

JOHN

Wait--- you need to take care of this now.

ABIGAIL

You just said not to name it, though?

JOHN

You don’t name a mistake, Abigail!

(WAITERS come out singing “Happy Birthday” to a different table.)

JOHN

What in God’s name - forgive me, Father - would lead you to believe that our community would accept this?

(continued)

I will not allow you to make a mockery of this family.

ABIGAIL

I can’t just get--

JOHN

You can. And you will.

ABIGAIL

Daddy, please, it’s a sin!

JOHN

What you did was already a sin.

ABIGAIL

Please, I’ll go to confession and plea for forgiveness, I’ll do anything just please don’t take him away Daddy!

JOHN

(overlapping)

This is not up for discussion. The Church will not accept this and you will not drag my good Pastor name through the mud!

(silence)

WAITRESS

Alrighty, one slice of carrot cake and two forks. Can I get anything else for ya?

JOHN

Just the check, please.

(John takes a fork and goes in to take a bite. Abigail sits there, too scared and ashamed to move. As JOHN goes in for his second bite...)

JOHN
Well, are you gonna eat?

(Abigail picks up her fork, but just stares at the cake, not taking a bite.)

JOHN

(hushed)
I would like to share one damn meal with my grandson.

ABIGAIL

Or granddaughter…

WAITRESS

Granddaughter?! Oh, congratulations! I knew from the moment you walked in, honey, you got that beautiful pregnancy glow. My cousin just had her first baby and oh, is she just the sweetest thing, you’re gonna love being a mother! Have you thought of a name yet?

JOHN
No.

WAITRESS
Well, here’s the check. Good luck to the both of ya!

(Exeunt WAITRESS)

JOHN
And we’ll never pick one either.

Character Sketch

Name(first and last) – John Filson

Age - 45

Appearance- Neatly dressed, almost always in his pastor outfit

Occupation- pastor

Income- $60k/year

Class- Middle class

Occupation of parents – mother: stay at home mom / father: law professor at Yale

- Family members – teenage daughter junior in high school, his wife is a school teacher who teaches 6th grade social studies

Education – went to high school, no college

Place of residence – Tennessee

Place of birth (if different) - Florida

Religion - Christian

Ethnic Background – Caucasian, Dutch and German

Hobbies – reading the bible, spending time with family, preaching

Pet(s) – fish tank with 3 fish

Talents – memorization skills, ability to multitask, 

Dislikes – messiness, clutter, disrespect, not being in command

Eccentric Habits – sleeping with the television on, trimming his leg hair,

Phobias – other people’s perceptions of him, snakes, broken family home

Favorite foods – lasagna, corn cut off of the cob, mashed potatoes, 

Manner of dress- in pastor dress

Favorite color - white

Sound of voice – low, firm, cold at times though he doesn’t mean it to be

Aspirations – instilling the love of god into his children, building a family that is viewed as successful

Favorite place – church, or with his family, or with his family at church

Number of friends – 2 , excluding his wife. Bob and Jim, form high school.

Drinking habits – recovering alcoholic, from his teens

Smoking habits – never smoked

Drug habits – did some crazy stuff when a teenager, recovered and turned to the church

Preferences – music, gospel music and podcasts

                      Entertainment – Fox News, board game nights with family, church socials

How does this character react under stress? – very coldly, and deals with the situation in a very analytical and  black and white manner

What does this character do to celebrate? – celebrates with family, takes out family to dinner, then to church to thank god

How does s/he express anger? – he bottles it up until he explodes, and then must recontain himself.

      “                         “   Pleasure? – he acknowledges it, but does not himself be overcome with happiness.

What is his/her greatest secret? – that he is a recovering alcoholic from his teenage years

What is his/her greatest desire? – to be acknowledged when he reaches god’s kingdom.

What is his/her ugliest fault? – overworked, failure to see others as equals to himself. 

What symbol might you use to represent this character?

1st Line of Dialogue Assignment

“People trust me with their secrets. But who do I trust with mine? You, only you.”
“The stars are really having an effect on us tonight, aren’t they?”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, for starters this is the first real conversation we’ve had in months.”
“I’m really not following you here…”
“I’ve learned more about you in these past two hours than I feel I have in two months of being with you.”
“How so?”
“Whenever we’re together, it feels like there’s something, that’s…well, interfering.”
“Interfering?”
“Yeah, sort of as if… there’s a wall between us.”
“You think there’s a wall between us?
“I’m not saying there’s a literal wall between us, Jake but I---"
“I know you’re not saying that. But, you think something is wrong?”
“Not necessarily wrong, but…absent.”
“You’re saying I’m absent in our relationship?”
“Jake, no! Will you please just stop talking and listen before you jump to conclusions with the trampoline we’re currently laying on?”
“Fine.”
“Thank you. These past two months have been great. I like spending time with you. I like spending time with you and your friends, and cheering you on at your games, and going to all of the after parties with you.”
“I would hope you do. I love showing you off to the guys.”
“But I feel that we’ve been spending so much of our time looking out rather than in.”
“Okay, not to sound dumb, but I have no clue what that means.”
“We go places together, people look at us and see your arm around me, there’s no doubt in their mind that we’re a couple.”
“Yeah we are. We’re a couple. So, what’s the problem?”
“The problem is that until 15 minutes ago, I didn’t know that your favorite color was sapphire. I didn’t know that although you’re going to college for basketball that you prefer tennis. And, I didn’t certainly didn’t know that your favorite holiday was Christmas because you love watching your little sister’s face light up when she opens up the very gift that you told her was ‘too expensive’ and then got her anyway.”
“I do love watching her face every Christmas, she practically screams at the top of her lungs!”
“You’re missing the point.”
“Maybe. I don’t see why you’re upset over that though.”
“I’m upset because…we haven’t made any progress here. Before we talked, you were Jake, the star basketball player who never even glanced in my direction.”
“Not while you were looking, that is.”
“What?”
“Nothing, go on.”
“And now, until two hours ago, you were still that same Jake.”
“So…you’re saying a blanket, a trampoline, and the stars make a great trio.”
“No. Well, yes. I’m saying that this Jake right now is the boy who caught my attention. This Jake is the boy who I want to get to know, not the Jake who shows me off to all of his friends.”
 …
“Okay.”
“I’m sorry I brought it up.”
“No, really. I get it.”
“I just don’t want this night to end.”
“Neither do I.”
“I’m glad I know your favorite color now.”
“Me too. What’s yours?”
“Ruby.”