Everyone has an obsession. Some are very tangible things such as baseball cards, or a television show like The Bachelor, or a person such as their significant other. My obsession, I’d say is rather unfamiliar. It’s an obsession that has been the cause of numerous difficult conversations, therapy sessions, and ruined relationships. I am obsessed with improving myself.
It’s actually quite strange, my ego’s fluctuation between grandeur and mediocrity. I have always been aware of my flaws, but for some reason my ego still remains as high and mighty throughout most days. After returning to therapy this past summer in an effort to declutter my mind and reinstate some self-love into my life, I realized that a substantial part of why I have been unhappy recently is because of the way I treat others and myself. As truly corny as it does sound, my goal in life is to be happy. I’m so grateful that I am not motivated by money or power, but by passion in helping me to choose a career path. Since I have journaled for about three years now, I have found dozens of quotes that have made their impact on me. One revolves around being a teacher and says, “People often dream of changing the world, but don’t realize the effect that changing one person can have. Changing one single person is changing the world, for inside of every person there is an entire world.” And in order to change people and have the most beneficial impact on them, I need to constantly be changing myself and my world. I have somehow become passive in dealing with the flaws I have. I understand that they are there, and at times I am grotesquely disturbed by some thoughts I have, some ways I handle situations, and some things I say out loud. I try my best to remember quotes that really resonate with me at times of difficulty, but I feel that I am too undisciplined to truly stick to the almost daily new mindset that I am trying to apply to my life. Here are some that I’ve come up with most recently:
1) In an effort to make myself get out of tired, unmotivated rut I’ve been in academically,“Other people have to wake up and go to a job. You get to wake up and sing every day! How lucky!”
2) In an effort to make myself wake up early, succeed, and seize control of every second I have alive, because I am ghastly afraid of death, “You’re dying every second. Get up and make your life worth something.”
3) In an effort to get myself to understand that I shouldn’t be so judgmental of others, “Just as others don’t know what you’re going through, you have no idea what others are going through.”
4) In an effort to be continually improve upon myself, “Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.” –George Bernard Shaw
You see, my therapist told me to bring in a list of flaws with me for the following session. Only 30 minutes beforehand, I was able to come up with 37 flaws about myself. I hope maybe one day I will be satisfied with the person I am, though I don’t know if I ever will be. While this may seem terribly troubling that I could never be satisfied, it doesn’t mean that I won’t be happy with myself. Another quote decides to weigh in by saying, “It’s about progress, not perfection.” And that’s exactly what I believe.
Dear Nic,
ReplyDeleteI can completely relate to this struggle. I often find myself vascillating between moments where I think I'm the smartest person I know, to feeling as if I've learned nothing. I think you've hit on a very real and human trait, and I like that you are willing to explore it further. One thing to spend time on is whether or not you can pinpoint these divergent moments to create real scenes. So, for example, can you think of a time when you were really sailing, hitting it out of the park, etc., and then contrast it with a moment when you were possibly too hard on yourself? Your struggle is very relatable. One thing I've finally come to understand is that happiness is elusive--there are ways to feel more satisfied and whole, but part of being human is accepting that we will always want something more, different, better, and that we can acknowledge those needs without feeling as though we are failures for having them. As an aside, I'm not sure I like your therapist very much...I hope there was a constructive part to having you create that list.